Crippled

My mind can't think straight. My heart is a mess. So many things running through my head. Is this right? Is it too soon to be having doubts? Should I give him more time to prove himself? There's nothing major that he did that made me think he's not the one but it's the minor things he didn't do that made me think is he the one? It may sound like it has the same outcome but it's not because the thought process is different.

We talk about the future and kids and I love how he's so sure our future will be intertwined. I love that feeling where I am investing in something for the long term. That everything we build together now will be fruitful in the future. But....there's still something missing.

Just gotta give it time

Indescribable feelings

You know that person is important to you when you have no appetite when you haven't heard from them for a few hours and when your heart shattered into a million pieces when you watch them go. You feel something missing but when he's near, you yearn to be in his arms. Everyday I learn more about him and I fall deeper every time. 

Past experiences taught me to thread carefully. To not let my heart do all the thinking. When you can do that and be rational, you know he's not the one you really want to be with. When you can't help yourself but fall deeper for him and be the clingy gf that you promised yourself to not be, you have fell in love. 

All my friends know I'm a hopeless romantic. I was surprised he's so cheesy =) I would never think he would say those words and when he say he's glad he can be his cheesy self around me because I like them, is it stupid to feel we're so right for each other? 

I don't have a proper structure when I started writing this post and I don't know what I want to say but I just want to let you know, I'm happy =)

Your end.

Rant:

Don't take advantage of me just because I know you so well and I believe that you have some good in you as I believe that in everyone. But if you keep showing your mean side to me, don't expect me to take your shit and still think you're nice because if you do not try to be nicer to me I will walk away. I've stayed for so long because I am a person that believes "Do unto those you wish done unto you". If I were as broken as you are, I wish someone like me to be by my side unfailingly. I stayed because I want one less person to go further into depression and thinks that the world have no nice people. I wanna restore hope in you so you can have faith in humanity. This is undoubtedly 7239373826th time we have reached a rupture. And honestly, I couldn't care less about you anymore. I asked you to reflect on yourself. Why you have so little friends you can count on. Why you think when you broke up, your friends took your ex's side. Why do you feel lonely. How can you make a person like me lose hope completely. You turn back and ask me to reflect on why I got so defensive when you called my friend's death a hoax just because you got pranked before? Don't you think that I know what kind of person would pull pranks like this? You think my judgement of the world is that retarded that I would believe anything anyone say? Even if I do, and her death turned out to be fake, I'll be happy and relief. I rather have that at the end of the day than thinking it's a hoax now and come to the realisation much later that it was true and regret.

If you are reading this, I suggest you stop reading right now. But knowing you, you don't know how to stop so here it is, if you were to die tomorrow I have no regrets that I could have saved you in any way because I've done everything short of flying to the moon and back.

I'm calling it off.

ps: sorry readers, I thought I don't need this anymore because I have people to talk to but I'm back because I'll never leave what I've started, hanging. Hope you'll see more of me.

That smile on your face when someone say "Thanks".

Material things are a nice gift. Handmade stuff are even more meaningful but you know what's best? Being told that you're appreciated and significant.It lets you know you've been doing things right and have been doing the right things.It lets you know that all your efforts have not been in vain. That you can leave the world with the knowledge that you changed someone's life, you help made their life happier, and most importantly, you meant something to someone.

Counselling is my passion. I would really sacrifice most things to listen to a friend in need. To know that all those late nights and self-sacrifice helped a friend in need is a good feeling. To be acknowledge and appreciated for it makes me a happy girl. It does not take much to make me happy really. I'm blessed with nice things. I may not have Gucci and Prada but what I have materially is sufficient.

Appreciation for me is better than gold. Honestly.

Good Feeling

It has been one hell of an amazing October. I haven't been back here for almost 3 weeks so I need to answer to those comments on my previous post. First of all, I AM over him but it's the uncertainty of the situation that broke my heart because I was never given a satisfactory explanation for the break up. I never got any closure from him and I somehow have to come up with them myself to close my mind on that matter. After 3 months, I know I will never turn back because  I recall the time when I was in that grey area for ONE day and that drove me crazy. I felt a sense of relief when I had the clean-cut break up decision. I knew what to do next. Get over him. And that I did.

Now, back to my october..I always hated those 'bye September, hello October, be good to me' and all those kinda stuff. Sorry, no offence to my readers that do that. To me, I'm just befuddled to think why of all things you thank the month. But I get it, it's not the month that made you happy it's things happening in that month. So what's up with my October.

My mum came and I took her out to dinner. A stroll down to the Viaduct and an exquisite dinner by the waterfront is a great moment. I had all this things I want to do and take her to but somehow I just feel a barrier stopping me. I can blame it on the assignment I was working on that was due that week but I know something could have been done but I let it slid.. A word of advice: really, don't let go of opportunities especially with those that you rarely can meet. I won't be able to do it but if you can, good on you!

Only other thing I can recall is the great birthday BBQ and watching the All Blacks take the cup that every Kiwi had their eyes on. I wouldn't say I'm kiwi and all because I'm a MALAYSIAN yo but it was truly very touching to see everyone rejoicing at their feet when the 80.30 minute whistle went off. I couldn't believe I had tears streaming from my eyes but you know me and emotions. No surprise there. No exaggeration as well.

So, now I have my exam week and I somehow have time to blog? Because this is called escapism. Worse than procrastination I must say. But I had this lightweight feeling over me for my Social Psych paper on thursday. I wouldn't say I studied exceptionally hard but I think performing consistently throughout the semester made me feel more secure. I'm only at a B average for my grades before finals but all is good, I do not place much expectation on being an A+ student. Knowing that I improved in my essay writing skills is something I'm happy with. The HR Report I wrote in 5 hours got me a B+. Not too shabby I would say. That's my constant grade for essays anyway. But next semester, I'll bring it up a notch to B+/A- teehee.

Btw, I am looking for a summer job. If you feel like helping a poor student that can't afford her flight back home, pm me =)

Have a good remaining of the year. It's already November and before long, you're gonna be one year older and one year less to achieve your dreams. Grab it!

Lie to me

Did he break up with me because he knows this girl is going to the same uni as him and he wants to start on a clean slate with her? I know I'm over him and ya-da ya-da.. If this girl is 'new' then fine..but how come my instinct is telling me there's something more? Oh, he's a liar too. So much for I don't like to talk on the phone/skype but he's fine skyping with his ex?

Guys are all the same. No exception.

Back to Basics

I've removed all the clutter. All those fancy apps that caught my young 19 year olds' eyes back in 2008. I always avoid judging a book by it's cover. To always know where this person comes from that makes this person have a certain attitude on certain issues. There have been complains that I talk about relationships too much. I like to talk about career paths and education as well. My topics are so boring don't you think? But I feel that this is where I discover who that person really is. All their history and past experiences is what makes them who they are today. The reason they may be afraid of something or the reason why they try so hard at certain things. I like to see the deeper side of that person that everyone takes for granted. When everyone blame that person for being that certain way, knowing them more justifies their actions. That's why I can never summarise a movie for someone because all those details matter and builds the story. 

But is it really a good thing? I'm beginning to realize it's not. I get bored easily and when I know a person so well that I can anticipate their moves or have an explanation for everything they say or do, I find there's nothing more. I wish I can restart life and start it with a less critical life and take life as it goes. But that's not me and I never want to be someone I'm not. 

Steve Jobs died today and thanks to all those hype, I found this video. What I learned from this is first, Steve Jobs was adopted and second, don't settle. 

Webified

So, I found this at my friend Si Yan's blog and thought I'll pull myself away from studying (kinda) and do a short fun test. Please go to her blog cos she's better at explaining what it is. =)

Pop Magazine

Why, look at you. Clearly, you bear the mark of The Fierce. You know what's hot, but rock your own style, and can dance on that fine line that separates dandy from dowdy.

Fortune

One symbol stands above all others as the authority — wise, unquestionable, and universally fair. Want the truth? Look to The Cookie — The Cookie tells all.

Letters

You reach into your past and explore the history that made you what you are. The letters, photos and mementos of the past are a mirror — they reflect the hopes and dreams that became today.

Friendship Bracelet

Your buddies will be overjoyed to learn that you've drawn the Friendship Bracelet. It stands for sociability and your talent for making each friend, online and off, feel special. So very special.

Pin Cushion

Craft your own world and it's exactly as you wish it to be. That is your secret — the secret of The Tailor. You make real that which most can only imagine, and edit the world to suit your taste.

Thermometer

Your body is a temple, and you're its master. You wield all the tools you need to keep it going, and aren't afraid of a little research.

Transit Pass

The symbol of travel, of paths taken and untaken, of sleeping upright in a middle seat. You are The Traveler.

Energy Bar

Energy, nutrition, health — those are the things you value. It's good that you also like chocolate, otherwise you'd be too boring to be anointed with the EnergyBar — a sophisticated melange of sporting intentions wrapped in a candy-like execution.

Letter Game Tiles

You like your fun and games on a cerebral level. Stretching your mind and beating your friends is as enjoyable to you as zoning out in front of the TV is to the hoi polloi.

Friendship Pin

The Friendship Pin — an unbreakable bond between you and your BFF. It shows you are loyal, willing to wear your love on your sleeve (or sneaker).

Buddha Statue

Infinite kindness and fortune, they smile upon you. You're searches lead you to answers, and you're feeling lucky.

Chrome Rock

Howdy Chrome user! Glad you came by to check out our shiny new browser. Give Firefox 4 a shot; you’ll like life in the faster lane. Until then, here’s a nice chrome stone just for you.

Better You

In life you won't always be part of the in-group. You won't get to be the center of attention for every party. Why? Sometimes we see things clearer standing on the sideline. You need to feel like an outcast to know how much it hurts. Everyday I try to respond to everybody's request and more often than not, I'll say yes. I have my moments where I feel used, unappreciated, like a tool. Like a security blanket people run to when they need help. I see them when they're vulnerable and sad and this is what I like as well. To see the real person without their masks.

I do have a tip on how to get by.. "Do unto those you wish done unto you". Every time you feel "this is useless, why should I be nice? I'm always the second choice, etc", remember the person you are helping will benefit from this and hopefully pass on the goodness to other people and somehow make the world a safer place to live in. Wow, I sound like some activist. I just want to survive this crippled feeling I constantly feel.

No Tears, Just Smiles

While searching for a place where I could have stored buttons, I picked up the box that holds all those sweet memories. Peeling blu-tacks from the back of the pictures he mailed to me just made me remember how lucky I was to get such a sweet bf that took his time writing captions behind every photo. It still made me smile. I'm glad our relationship was sincere and true.

I just finish reading the latest card he mailed to me which I received about 10 days before we broke up. Well, I guess you don't need me like you thought you do 2 months ago and I don't need to keep that space for our 2018 family photo.

Past is a good place to visit but not a good place to stay ~

Linger..

It's been over a month now that I'm single but I still miss the feeling of having a ring around my finger... Just rubbing my hands together and not feel the cold steel rub against my hand something I never thought I'll miss. I don't feel that missing puzzle piece every day anymore but the memory still lingers fresh in my wound..

Rediscover

I didn’t realise how much I lose myself when I was in a relationship until I start to explore my US dream, booking holidays with friends, saving up to buy a phone for myself, use my free time to read a book/the bible, watching kevjumba on youtube. When I was with him, I gave up my US dream because that’s no place to build a family, I settle to stay in NZ and wait for him to come. I spend my free time with my friends instead of staying at home to msn him. My savings can be spent on my wants instead of saving heaps of money to go see him graduate in UK. Use my free time to read a book instead of knitting a scarf for him. Start watching KevJumba again because before that someone is playfully jealous when I think he’s cute.

I gave up all that on my own willingly and I do regret it a little now but I didn’t mind because I feel that I did not erase myself. I changed. I grew. I think for him more than for myself. But that wasn’t appreciated. That in turn drove him into a corner? Well, so is life right? Who knows caring for someone too much is unacceptable. Who could imagine changing herself to what she think is a better version of herself is a mistake. It just wasn’t meant to be. But a lesson learned no doubt.