I didn’t realise how much I lose myself when I was in a relationship until I start to explore my US dream, booking holidays with friends, saving up to buy a phone for myself, use my free time to read a book/the bible, watching kevjumba on youtube. When I was with him, I gave up my US dream because that’s no place to build a family, I settle to stay in NZ and wait for him to come. I spend my free time with my friends instead of staying at home to msn him. My savings can be spent on my wants instead of saving heaps of money to go see him graduate in UK. Use my free time to read a book instead of knitting a scarf for him. Start watching KevJumba again because before that someone is playfully jealous when I think he’s cute.
I gave up all that on my own willingly and I do regret it a little now but I didn’t mind because I feel that I did not erase myself. I changed. I grew. I think for him more than for myself. But that wasn’t appreciated. That in turn drove him into a corner? Well, so is life right? Who knows caring for someone too much is unacceptable. Who could imagine changing herself to what she think is a better version of herself is a mistake. It just wasn’t meant to be. But a lesson learned no doubt.
3 screamSSss!!:
In my personal experience in romance, I am a dumb fool.
Before romance I was heartless. I just didn't know that romance could actually be so painful to me. Then again, I yearn so much but yet not expect to be with her at all.
The touch of romance gradually changed me to who I am today. I have more friends than how I used to be. But at the same time, I draw pessimism on love itself.
I changed myself so drastically, but like you said, what is meant to be is meant to be.
If it is true that you can view this as a lesson learnt and move on, you are indeed doing much better than me already.
I am stuck within four walls, and have been seeking salvation from my situation for a very long time. But on the other hand, it is romance that made me realise that I needed salvation in the first place.
When a person is in my position, I suppose the common thing to do is to move on. But I have never been known to be common, nor have I ever bore the eyes of a common person.
Just a note to show you how fortunate you are. But the love you lived was, presumably, true. I have yet to have a taste of a real love relationship. But now, I need to know how to get out of these four walls.
I really appreciate you taking the time to write this. From what you tell me, you seem trapped by your previous relationship. It took me a long time to get out of my first relationship but as I know myself more and what I want and need I find it easier to move on.
I hope that in time, you will stumble upon some things that open your eyes to see that breakup is not meant to kill you but to strengthen you and help you discover more about yourself.
Like you said earlier that romance forced you to seek for salvation but it is also romance that made you realise you need salvation. In the process of seeking, you will find yourself.
This is so philosophical and cliche but you will feel that you know a different side of yourself that you never knew. =)
Unfortunately I did not EVER have a true love relationship before. How I wished that I did. Perhaps it might change my mind if I even got a taste of a true love relationship then.
The common reaction from others when they realise that I have been through so much without even getting the slightest glimpse of chance in true love, is, "You must be lying / You are so stupid, just move on."
Anyways, check FB.
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